Narcissist Dictionary: "Why can't you just be nice to me?!"

What Crazy says vs. what Crazy means

“Why can’t you just be nice to me?!”

Before bending over backwards to prove how nice you are, ask the narcissist, borderline or histrionic for an operational definition of “being nice.” People with Cluster B personality disorders use language differently than non-disordered people do. You may very well be speaking the same language (i.e., English, French, Greek, Silbo Gomero, etc.), but the words have vastly different meanings.

For example, Crazy accusatorily whinges or rages, “Why can’t you just be nice to me?!” What does being nice mean to the narcissist, borderline or histrionic vs. the Merriam-Webster Dictionary? For that matter, how does the narcissist define “being mean” vs. how Merriam-Webster’s and normals define it?

To the narcissist, “being nice” doesn’t necessarily equate to being a kind or good person. Didn’t your now abusive NPD, BPD or HPD ex seem super duper extra nice — creepily so in hindsight — when they love bombed you during the early days of the relationship?

Would you currently describe your ex as a nice person? Or, someone who can “be nice” when it’s in their interest to be? In other words, they’re manipulating, seducing and/or have something to gain by being what you now realize is uncharacteristically nice?

By “nice,” the narcissist, borderline or histrionic means enabling their crap behavior. In other words:

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Why can’t you just pretend nothing's happened after I rage at you, hit you, lie to you and cheat on you?! Why can’t you  stop holding me accountable and take the blame for my choices and behavior?! Why can’t you just ignore your feelings, wants and needs and cater exclusively to mine?! 

Why can’t you stop expecting me to be a grown-up? Why can’t you just be an enthusiastic scapegoat and enabler?! You’re so mean and selfish!!! Hey everybody, look at me!! I’m an empath! I'm a narcissistic abuse survivor! Send money to my GoFundMe-at-abuse-queen-narcsurvivor-goddess701932568 [*not a real account] and buy my Believe All Women-Boss Bitch tote bag!! 

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To clarify, when a narcissist, histrionic or borderline demands that you “be nice” to them they’re actually saying, “Enable me. Clean up my messes. Enthusiastically accept my selfish, cruel, dishonest and abusive behavior.” Don’t do this. Don’t be an enabler of your own abuse. That’s what they want.

Conversely, when Crazy accuses you of “being mean,” what they’re actually saying is, “You’re not enabling me.” Meaning, you’re not tolerating their abuse. You’re setting and enforcing boundaries. You’re holding them accountable and not protecting them from the natural consequences of their shitty behavior. Well done, you!

Contrary to what Crazy will tell you, not enabling them is neither mean nor selfish. It’s healthy for both of you. When we deprive someone of experiencing the consequences of their bad judgment and behavior, we’re also depriving them of opportunities to learn and grow. (*This includes children — I’m talking to you helicopter, lawnmower, bulldozer parents.)

If your partner or ex is indeed personality disordered, they’ll likely never learn and grow. By learn and grow, I mean to become more emotionally mature, psychologically stable, personally responsible and to conduct oneself with integrity. In my experience, people who are characterologically disordered can and do learn and grow.

They learn to become better predators, better liars, better criminals and better manipulators. Nevertheless, they can also learn to behave in more interpersonally and socially acceptable ways if there are clear consequences they want to avoid. So stop enabling them.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.