The Psycho Reveal Party
If you can't accept the psycho for who they are, find another relationship.
Some people begin relationships believing that they'll be able to change their girlfriend or boyfriend into the person they want them to be.
This is nuts.
True personality change is rare. Communication skills, conflict resolution skills and an appreciation and respect for each others differences can be modified and improved. Innate temperament, values (or the lack thereof), a work ethic, a personality disorder and a good character (or the lack thereof) don't change.
If you can’t accept someone for who they fundamentally are, keep looking.
Then there are people who begin relationships under false pretenses (e.g., the narcissist, borderline, histrionic, psychopath or sociopath). These individuals pretend to be someone they're not in order to attract and establish a relationship. They typically do this via a combination of love bombing, method acting, playing the damsel/dude in distress and other kinds of seduction, deception and manipulation.
This is also nuts.
You can't hide who you really are (or are not) forever. Eventually, even the most practiced masks fall away. Kind of like a Psycho Reveal Party© [Just coined this term — countdown to it being in a multitude of YouTube "expert" videos without proper attribution in 3, 2, 1 . . . Don't they teach what plagiarism is in school anymore? Even in elementary schools?]
If you've been deceived by one of these love charlatans, it's up to you accept that you were, in fact, deceived and make a choice:
(a) Accept the NPD, BPD or HPD as they are and stay in the relationship. This is called radical acceptance. I don’t recommend it.
(b) Stubbornly dig in your heels, nurse your resentment and demand s/he become the person they pretended to be initially or who you thought they had the potential to be. I don’t recommend this either.
(c) Become a people-pleasing doormat in the hopes that s/he will become the person they pretended to be. Again, not recommended.
(d) Cut your losses, understand how and why you were vulnerable to the deception and find a relationship partner who is as they appear to be and whom you can accept just as they are.
Options (b) and (c) are nuts. Option (a) is also nuts especially if your partner’s true character involves emotional, physical, psychological, sexual or financial abuse.
If you can't accept your partner for who they fundamentally are — regardless of who you thought they were at the beginning of the relationship or wanted them to be if they weren't pretending to be someone else, that is — and they can't or won't change, what are you doing? Is living a life choking on bitterness, anger and resentment better than making a clean break and starting over? Is it better than dealing with your your unhealthy relationship patterns or codependency?
Well, is it?
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.