Discover more from Shrink4Men - Dr Tara Palmatier
The love you-hate you of narcissists and borderlines.
Narcissist Dictionary: “I hate you!!!”
When a narcissist, borderline, histrionic or other Cluster B variety pack person says, "I love you" it doesn't mean "I love you" the way it does to a normal or a codependent. Their declarations of love are intense, but superficial. “I love you” means they see you as good in that moment.
A NPD, BPD or HPD loves you when you make them feel good about themselves. They love you when they're getting everything they want. They love your attention and other resources. If you have social status, they love that, too. This is the pleasurable side of splitting.
Narcissists, borderlines and histrionics love the way toddlers and teens do. Their construct of you is dependent on their immediate ego and emotional states. This is why you can be their soulmate on Monday and by Thursday they’re sharing photos of themselves with their newest soulmate. Just like some kids have a new best friend every few months. The instant there's a disappointment, frustration or a new shiny object, they drop their best friend.
Alternately, "I hate you" actually means they hate you. Ultimately, narcissists hate everyone and respect no one. They hate you because:
You see their limitations, flaws and myriad other pathologies once the love bombing wanes.
You tell them no.
You hold them accountable for lying snd other cruel and abusive behaviors and betrayals.
You're not okay with their cheating.
You don’t enable them anymore.
They can’t possess your goodness and talent.
You love them in spite of them treating you like crap. This one is the root of their sneering contempt.
You didn't buy them a pony.
What does love mean to you? Does it mean suffering abuse to prove you're a good and loyal person? Does it mean allowing someone to hurt you in the hopes that they'll love you? What's your half of the equation? What has led you to accept that someone who “loves” you would treat you the way your narcissist, borderline or histrionic partner/ex treats you?
If you’re confused because they ping pong between loving you and hating you, then be confused no more. These individuals are incapable of enduring mature adult love.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.