So you Tinder date tells you she has borderline personality disorder.

What do you do?

Tinder date: Soooo, I should let you know I have BPD.
You: What does that mean?
Tinder date: It just means I get a little emotional from time to time.

Red flag, as in run, Forrest, run!

Be angry with me if you like, but having BPD (or any of the other Cluster B personality disorders) is a red flag in of itself.

READ THE UNABRIDGED ARTICLE AT SHRINK4MEN.

“It just means I get a little emotional from time to time,” is a gross minimization of borderline personality disorder. If you encounter a he, she or they who admits they have BPD and you’re still considering dating them, ask them the following questions:

1. Are you in treatment?
2. What kind of treatment?
3. What’s the frequency?
4. Do you have any regrets about your behaviors in past relationships?
5. Anything you feel guilty about and would do differently?
6. Have you ever filed a restraining order against an ex?
7. If so, how many restraining orders and how many exes?

Ideally, the answers should be:

1. Yes.

2. If it’s not DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), cut your losses and get out of harm's way. DBT, thus far — i.e., until there’s new data indicating otherwise — seems to be the most effective treatment for individuals with BPD. Nevertheless, DBT doesn’t cure borderline personality disorder (or any of the related Cluster B disorders). There’s no cure for any of them; only symptom management.

The best you can hope for is they learn some emotional regulation skills; impulse control and that their actions have consequences.

3. Both weekly individual and group therapy.

4. This is a personal responsibility question. The “I’m a poor little victim” shtick is another red flag. A big one. Even if they were in a NPD-BPD coupling (or series of them), they undoubtedly gave as good as they got. No accountability, no dice.

5. Trick question. If the answer is no, it could be a lie. If the answer is yes, are they smug and self-satisfied about it? Are they bragging about how allegedly obsessed their ex(es) are with them? Or, can they prove actual physical violence and/or credible threat of physical violence?

6. Another trick question. This is another trick question. If it’s more than one restraining order, GTFO ( i.e., get the bleep out). Exit stage left. Check please. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m moving to Timbuktu to join a monastery/nunnery. See ‘ya, wouldn’t want to be ‘ya. Make like the Roadrunner and meep, meep! If the BPD, NPD or HPD woman has a history of filing restraining orders at the end of their relationships, this will happen to you, too. I don't care if you won the Nobel Peace Prize in Nice Guy-ness -- you're making yourself a target if you proceed with the relationship.

7. This is yet another trick question. On the one hand, the borderline, narcissist or histrionic woman could lie and deny. Or, she could admit to it. Let's give her a point for honesty. Is the admission free of blame shifting and victim-playing? Yes, men are frequently victims of false abuse allegations and meritless restraining orders. Now consider how incredibly difficult it is for a man to get a restraining order against a woman in the majority of courts.

If any of Tinder date (or Bumble et al) BPD woman’s responses aren’t ideal per the above Q & A. Or she takes umbrage at being asked, I have one more question — for you.

"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky? ' Well, do ya, punk?" (Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry, 1971).

Meep! Meep!

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.