Narcissist Dictionary: “Why do you hate me?!?!”
Translation: “Why are you holding me accountable?! Why aren’t you enabling me!? Why aren’t you letting me weasel out of consequences for my shitty behavior?! Why aren’t you accepting my usual meaningless non-apologies and platitudes and hitting the reset button on the abuse cycle?!?!”
Or, as more succinctly put by someone who commented upon my Instagram post today, “Why are you establishing reasonable boundaries?!?”
Frequently, this manipulation tactic is punctuated with a “You’re just so mean!!!” or “I wish I were dead!! I should just kill myself!!!” Followed by the narcissist, histrionic or borderline running from the room, the slamming of doors and loud theatrical sobbing.
And scene.
What’s the objective of this particular melodrama?
To yet again evade personal responsibility, and to manipulate you into apologizing to and comfort your abuser. It’s pretty perverse. It also hits your FOG buttons – fear, obligation and guilt.
Fear that she or he might actually harm themselves. Fear that they’ll wake the kids or that a concerned neighbor will call the police. Guilt if they actually were to hurt themselves (they likely won’t). Obligation to take care of someone who appears to be hurting. They’re not. They’re angry and frustrated that they’re losing control and that their usual manipulation tactics are no longer working.
Have you ever experienced a version of this?
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.