“But I love her . . . But I love him . . . It’s not bad all of the time . . . She can be so sweet . . . You don’t just give up on someone you *love* . . . Her dad/mom was mean/abandoned her as a child . . . I can take it . . . If only I could get her/him to see how much I love them . . .“
These statements are the rationalizations, justifications and minimizations of a hurting, self-deceiving child who doesn’t want to lose love and relationship.
No matter how cruel, unstable, crazy and dysfunctional our parents are, when we’re kids we want their love and approval above all else. When a child feels unloved or rejected by a parent, they usually blame themselves.
In order to cope and survive, kids need to believe they can fix, please, prove their love worthiness to their mom and/or dad. This can manifest in myriad unhealthy behaviors such as:
Parentification. The child caretakes the parent emotionally and/or physically. For example, acting as the emotional regulator of an emotionally dysregulated parent.
Emotional incest. This is a more extreme form of parentification in which the child acts as a junior spouse/partner substitute.
Over-achieving. In an attempt to get approval and validation the child believes if they’re perfect mom or dad will love them.
Selflessness. The child learns that mom/dad sees their feelings, needs and wants as a burdensome nuisance and the road to being a people-pleaser begins.
Self-medicating. Drugs, alcohol, video games, social media, promiscuity – anything that releases dopamine.
Acting out. Attention is attention.
What ages are the hurting child part(s) of yourself who still believes the narcissist, borderline or histrionic’s lies? Who insists that there’s a happily ever after if only you’re [fill in the blank] enough to fix your abuser? What roles do they serve? For example, the fawning 4-year old or the little professor (over-analyzer) who believes there’s a way to fix the problems?
When clients are in their rational, critical thinking adult minds they’re able to clearly see the NPD, BPD or HPD partner or ex for who and what they are. In other words, highly destructive to themselves and other and unlikely to change. They understand that a healthy relationship with the NPD/BPD/HPD isn't possible. And that continuing to try fix, save or rescue the ClusterB partner or ex only creates more pain and damage to themselves and their kids.
Reason, logic and a firm grasp on objective reality alone, in many cases, are insufficient to effect healthy changes. Especially when a client’s experienced childhood abuse and trauma.
Healing from abuse, involves working with the younger irrational child parts of oneself. In other words, the age or ages were you when a similarly dysfunctional abusive parent created your core wounds or trauma.
When clients persevere in an abusive relationship (especially after they’ve identified it as abusive), it’s usually because a younger version of themselves is behind the steering wheel. In other words, they’re using the same rationalizations and justifications they did as a child in the present day relationship. They engage in self-deception, wishful thinking and other codependency and trauma bond related childlike emotional reasoning in order to preserve the relationship at all costs.
Can you recognize how you reverted to old hurt child roles/beliefs in your past or present relationship with a narcissist, borderline or histrionic partner, ex, parent, boss or sibling? How can adult you help those younger parts who cling to the only “love” experience they know?
Why is this so important?
This is the only way I know to break one's pattern of toxic relationships for once and for all.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.