Future Faking
"I could see spending the rest of my life with you."
Narcissist Dictionary: “I could see spending the rest of my life with you.”
More like, “I could see you emotionally and financially supporting and enabling me the rest of my life.”
Two things are going on here. To be sure, this is an example of future faking. Future faking is a seduction tool used during the love bombing stage by narcissists, histrionics, borderlines and psychopaths. At its most basic level, future faking is the empty promise of a magical happily forever after relationship that’ll never happen with a NPD, BPD or HPD.
When you’re being groomed (for abuse) by a narcissist, borderline, psychopath or histrionic, they feed you fairy tales. In some cases, I think they believe their own bullshit. Meaning they genuinely want the fairy tale yarns that they spin. Of course, none of their happily ever after’s are possible or sustainable because:
a) They aren’t Disney princesses and princes.
b) The expectation for a perfect never unhappy or disappointed is unrealistic.
c) The person they pretend to be during love bombing isn’t real.
d) Cluster B personality disorder individuals destroy everything they touch. They’re psychologically wired for destruction of others and self.
A fairy tale future is a childish thing to want and expect. Typically, these relationships are built upon a foundation of lies, characterological pathology, codependency and unrealistic expectations.
Future faking creates a myth around the NPD/BPD/HPD, you and the relationship. It creates an illusory sense of destiny or fate. For many of the clients I work with, that mythological sense of destiny can be very hard to let go of. You've been sold a bill of goods. You tell yourself all the suffering and craziness will be worth it in the end.
No, it won’t.
This is what we call cognitive dissonance, folks. And it can be a motherf--ker. As in, extremely painful desperately clinging onto the NPD, BPD, HPD lies and your self-delusion instead of accepting the reality of the relationship.
In addition to future faking, “I could see spending the rest of my life with you” is also a cautionary reminder. Be careful of your own capacity for projection and ask for specifics. In other words, whatever the future faking statement may be, you’ll have your own understanding of it. Don’t assume that the words narcissists, borderlines or histrionics use mean what they mean to you — or Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary for that matter.
What does “someone you could see spending the rest of your life with” mean to you? What qualities and traits does someone with whom you could contentedly and without abuse spend your life possess?
Does it involve financially and emotionally supporting an adult who treats you like shit? Someone for whom nothing’s ever good enough? Someone who’s terminally ungrateful? Is it someone who enjoys hurting you? A pathological liar who abuses you harder when you hold them accountable or ask them to be a little nicer?
Is this someone you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with?
The devil is in the details, so ask for specifics. If Insta-Soulmate date responds with nonsensical word salad fluff or gets irritated, I feel reasonably confident telling you that she or he is full of crap.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.com.