This revised re-post includes unpublished excerpts from an interview I did with Huffington Post columnist Vicki Larson for her August 2011 article Are Men Society’s Scapegoats? I’m sharing the information to give new visitors the facts about Shrink4Men and to explain why Shrink4Men exists, what it is and what it isn’t.
When and why did you start Shrink4Men.com?
I started Shrink4Men in 2009 to address a gap in the mental health field, where there’s more than $4 billion spent on support programs for abused women annually and very little for abused men.
Our society tends to ignore the fact that men are just as likely to be victims of abuse as women. Many men who visit Shrink4Men and the original Shrink4Men WordPress blog express feelings of isolation and helplessness because they’ve been unable to find anyone in their local communities who is able or willing to recognize and acknowledge their symptoms or offer constructive ways to contend with female perpetrated abuse.
They find it on Shrink4Men, where there are thousands of accounts of psychological and physical abuse suffered by male victims and a supportive community for and by those who’ve experienced it firsthand.
Shrink4Men isn’t just for men.
My work helps educate men and women about abuse — how to recognize it, how it affects relationships, and how to cope with it. Some men have been raised to silently tolerate abuse, that is if they even identify it as abuse. I provide information about how to disengage from an abusive dynamic, how to protect oneself and, if necessary, how to formulate an exit strategy.
It’s also a resource for friends and family members who see their best friend, son, grandson or brother being abused. Second wives and girlfriends often come to Shrink4Men to find ways to help partners who are still being abused by their ex-wives or ex-girlfriends. Adult sons and daughters with abusive mothers also frequent my site.
How many men have you counseled, and what are they mainly struggling with?
I’ve lost count how many men and women I’ve worked with in my career. I began training and working in the field in 1995. I receive inquiries every week for my services from men and women.
In my practice, my male clients struggle with many of the same issues experienced by their female counterparts. Many exhibit trauma symptoms and learned helplessness. Their self-esteem has been systematically eroded. They second-guess their feelings, perceptions and judgment as a result of being gaslighted by their partners.
Many exhibit physical symptoms from the chronic stress and hyper-vigilance of living under abusive conditions such as headaches, muscle fatigue, weight gain and digestive issues. They also struggle with the effects of parental alienation that sometimes occurs when one parent conditions the children to hate and fear the other parent. This includes depression, anxiety and, sometimes, suicidal ideation.
Some men I work with are angry — and rightfully so. Many are unable to articulate this anger because when they express their emotions to others, they’re often accused of having “anger issues” and told to get help. These men do need help, but not because they’re angry. Their anger is a natural byproduct of the abuse they’re experiencing.
They need help and support because they’re being abused by their wives, girlfriends and exes. Our society does not offer much support for men experiencing these issues. It makes most people very uncomfortable.
On your website you state you “have greater empathy for men because they don’t have as many emotional outlets or sources of support.” Why is that?
I have more empathy for men in these situations because of the double standards they face. Men who tell mental health professionals, law enforcement, court evaluators, judges, family members and friends that they’re being abused are often ignored or ridiculed. Sometimes they’re accused of lying. This is why so many abused men remain silent and don’t seek help.
Men are expected to be strong and tough, so many of them carry a tremendous amount of shame for even being in an abusive relationship. They blame themselves and feel like failures. What’s worse, many men are told, “If she’s treating you that way, you must’ve done something to deserve it.” Imagine telling a woman whose husband beats her, “You must’ve have done something to deserve it.” It wouldn’t happen. No mental health professional today would say that to a woman suffering abuse. It happens routinely to men who are. I know because I work with a lot of these men.
Many people assume that our government provides equal amounts of support to female and male abuse victims. This is not the case. Each year federal and state governments spend billions of dollars for various programs designed to stop domestic violence.
Nearly all of these services are available only to female victims.
Currently, there are fewer than 10 shelters in the U.S. that take male abuse victims and their children and only one helpline to my knowledge (DAHMW Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women; 1-888-***-****). When men call their local shelters, they’re told, “Sorry, we can’t help you. Women and children only.” [2023 update: DAHMW is no longer in service. I don’t know the current number of existing shelter for men.]
Telling a man to simply leave an abusive marriage can open him up to next level emotional and financial abuse by law enforcement and family court. In my opinion, the family court is willfully blind to the abuse experienced by men. Officers of the court tend to see men as abusers and women as victims. A savvy attorney can take advantage of this via false abuse allegations and ex parte orders.
Many of my clients are the victims of false allegations and baseless restraining orders wielded as legal leverage by the opposing party to gain an advantage in divorce and custody cases. In many ways, our family courts enables abusive women and compound male victimization. We should be supporting male and female abuse victims equally.
Have you ever been accused of woman bashing?
Yes and the accusation is ridiculous. Research shows that both men and women abuse their partners at nearly equal rates. Additionally, many personality disorders that are more likely to be abusive types also occur among the genders in equal rates.
I tailor my work for men because of the dearth of resources available to them on this subject matter. Imagine looking for help and seeing he/him to describe the abuser and she/her for the victim. How would that make you feel if you were a man being abused and seeking help?
Advocating for men doesn’t make me anti-women. I’m not anti-woman; I’m anti-abuse.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I help individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone, FaceTime, GoogleMeet or Skype. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to schedule an initial consult, please email me directly at shrink4men@protonmail.